JDF1111

The tabs of Safari are cluttered with banking and retirement fund sites; the desktop of the Mac looks ghastly with titles of documents such as JDF1111; photocopies of finances are strewn across the floor, the ink has been draining from the printer and the scanner light has been aglow. My share of household chores remains waiting; friendships are suffering; the dog is restless; the belly rumbles. Fear drives this grumbling, sputtering, exhaust-spewing, rusty, treacherously destructive industry that quakes violently at the slowest of paces. This industry hurts my ears, dries my eyes, coats my lungs, cuts my flesh and plunges my soul into darkness.

This is not as it should be.

Leading to the End by ~paparoksguitar on deviantART

What would love drive? 

A feeling of freedom resounds eloquently throughout my being at the thought of opening my arms passionately and accepting what things may come. i am fortunate. What harm would come if i were left only with this computer, some things that i owned before i got married, and more debt than i had upon entering the marriage? That does sound ludicrous; i know. Really, i am healthy; i have food, water and shelter; i have work that i love; i have beautiful friends. i would make it to work on the bus or on my bicycle; the debt would disappear over time. Life would continue with more vibrancy than it does currently or ever has. i have always striven for greater simplicity; perhaps this is the greatest gift i could imagine, a fine addendum to a wonderful gift that has already been afforded me.

Many tell me, “That is ridiculous. Don’t stand for that. Get a lawyer! You can’t afford not to!” Well, those fearful, self-protective statements have carried us so far in our society, no? A fear-driven, litigious society is so full of those miserable things like… paranoia, victim-demeanors, resistance to assist others in need…. ahhh! The rumble of that horrific machinery, grinding as it does through those desolate swaths of destruction.

Please, stop.

What would love drive? 

i knew the most loving woman, wise for her years, elegant, simple, gracious, kind, compassionate, radiant and empathetic, with the gorgeous appearance that personified those and so many other tremendous qualities within her being that i am not adequately poetic to describe. i loved her more than i have ever loved another. i know i was imperfect at showing that love.

i am ashamed.

i was treachorouse at loving myself. When you are not capable of loving thyself you cannot love another as they deserve. Perhaps this was a reason or THE reason for the change. Perhaps she changed… oh, there are so many possibilities; i may never know the reality. Anyways, i know this woman still resides where she did and still reflects compassion, healing and serenity, power, transmutation of anger, wealth and prosperity, and has a magnetizing property. i have faith this woman will learn to embrace the girl that has risen to wreak havoc in their world. Should i not have faith? She does deserve faith. Perhaps the worst i suffer is that the stop-gap, that of the judicial system, is ineffective if my faith was “poorly” timed. My words and documentation do not ring clearly to the judge and i walk away with all of the debt and none of the possessions. That’s not so high of a price to be able to look myself in the eye, to look others in the eye and to afford the woman i loved one final act of love… the act of having had faith in her. i have strength.

Can others have faith too?

She craves Faith.

~ by oneopenbook on October 20, 2008.