one ring part iii
As i stand in the kitchen i reach down with my right hand and begin to spin my wedding band on my finger, feeling the tension of the flesh and titanium interface decrease with a twisting pop, then the coolness and smoothness of the ring as it glides around my finger, propelled by my other hand. While speaking of the nights plans with my roommate this fidgeting continues. i then grasp my ring finger with my right thumb and forefinger, bending it mildly backwards as my left palm touches the counter, allowing my finger to snap to the counter.
The usual metallic snap is not there as my finger snaps to the cheap counter top. i stop mid sentence wondering what is wrong. i look down to see my ring missing. “Where did i lose it?” My heart drops at the prospect, but drops further only a second later, as i realize the ring has not been there for ten months. i can’t regain my simple sentence that i was mid-way through. My jaw is as low as my heart.
Where did this come from? i haven’t had something like this happen for nine months or so.
The divorce is heavy on my mind as of late, for reasons uncertain. i have tried to make peace with things unspoken, but they lie beneath.
What now?
Find other people to love me? Check.
Side-track myself with adventures? Check.
Sleep? Check.
Write about it? Check.
Embrace it, feel it, allow it to change me for the better? Check.
How long will this last? How long?
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness of…?